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January 31, 2004
January 27, 2004
Even crummier
At this moment, we three in our little family are supposed to be arriving at our lovely hotel with a pool in Pittsburgh, ready for a night of relaxation before Evan's big evaluation tomorrow.
Not happening.
We had ice and freezing rain all night and into this morning, as did Pittsburgh, and it has now changed over to a lovely heavy snow. We debated and discussed, and in the end decided to be cautious and stay home. We cancelled our hotel reservations and rescheduled Evan's eval for the end of March.
I'm pretty upset about the whole thing. I'm just so worried that we're wasting time. We have less than a year left with Early Intervention, and I feel like things aren't progressing fast enough. I know that Evan is doing well and making steps in the right direction, and I know that he will start doing things when he is ready, just like he always has. But still I feel like we should be doing more and trying harder.
I guess the word I'm looking for is powerless. I feel powerless to help him get through this, just like I felt when he was a tiny baby being poked and prodded in the NICU. It's a tough way to feel, because as a mother I want to shield him from all the bad stuff, I want to make everything okay, I want to make sure he has a bright future. I know we're doing our best but sometimes I fear that our best might not be good enough.
Okay, enough of that. Tomorrow I promise to return with a more positive outlook.
January 26, 2004
Crummy
I like the word crummy.
Today it was back to the grind, and Evan was still worn out from his party yesterday. This was evident when I took him to get his picture taken this morning, and he just sat on the little carpet cube and cried. Not the best time ever--we'll have to try again later in the week.
He did have a decent therapy session today though, so that was encouraging. He and his therapist played with all his new Little People stuff and she said that she was impressed by his imaginative play. He wasn't very talkative today, but he did say "ba ba ba" when he was playing with the ball she brought, so all in all it was a good visit.
Tomorrow we're headed to Pittsburgh to spend the night in a hotel with a pool (now that we have a kid, that pool part is important), and Wednesday morning it's off to the Children's Institute for yet another evaluation. This time Evan will be seen by a nutritionist, a psychologist, a speech pathologist, and and occupational therapist. Whew! It should be quite a day. I'll be sure to post their findings when we return.
Today would have been my parent's 30th anniversary. Weird. Mike and I were engaged four years ago yesterday. Even weirder still.
January 25, 2004
Party people in the house
Today was Ev's birthday party, and the weather cooperated long enough for friends and family to make it for an afternoon of food and fun. Evan had a great time playing with everyone, though he started to wilt between presents and cake. Luckily he was able to rally and enjoy the rest of his day--but he was washed up and in bed asleep by 7:15. That is great news for Mom and Dad who are also exhausted. Thanks to all who joined us today--we really appreciated you making the trip.
In other news, we're about to start another busy week of therapy, pictures and a trip to Pittsburgh for more evaluations. I'll be sure to post about our daily adventures.
January 23, 2004
25th Percentile
The days since Evan's birthday have been full of activity--the usual therapy and play dates, and some other extras as well. Yesterday we took Evan for his 2 year pediatrician visit. Ev was not thrilled about the visit as he now remembers what happens at the doctor's office and he did not want any part of that. The visit went well though, aside from his objections about getting weighed and getting his ears checked.
Evan weighs 25 pounds, 11 ounces (not too much gain this time since he's been sick) and is 33 1/2 inches tall. This puts him on the standard growth charts at the 25th percentile for both. Now, I don't put a whole lot of stock into these charts as they were modeled on formula fed, midwestern babies of the sixties, but I am just a teeny bit proud that he's found a place on the chart for his actual age. Not his adjusted age. When he was born he wasn't even on the chart. He was 3rd percentile, then 5th, then 10th...now I think he's finally where he would be anyway, if he wasn't a preemie.
His growth is caught up, now what about his development? The doctor we saw yesterday was very helpful with that as well. He assured us that Evan seemed like a very bright and healthy little boy, and that we were doing all we could to help him out. He didn't seem to think that Evan was going to have any long term problems from his speech delays, rather that he would catch up in his own time. If I hear that from enough people, I may begin to believe it! It's just hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel sometimes, I think.
Today was another exciting adventure. Both Daddy and Evan got haircuts! I have to say that Ev was very well behaved this time. Yes, he still had to sit on my lap, and yes, he still cried when she used the clippers, but for the rest of the time he was really well behaved! He sat still (mostly) and watched Blue's Clues and got a very nice haircut. I was so proud of him. My little baby is growing up.
Is he even my baby anymore? He's two. I can hardly believe it.
January 21, 2004
Happy 2nd Birthday
Happy 2nd Birthday, Evan! I can't believe you've been a part of our lives for two years already. Each day you amaze me, and I look forward to another exciting year with you. You've come so far already, and I know that there is so much more to come. Here's to another year of growing and learning and exploring with our favorite little man.
January 20, 2004
Oh Caroline
I love iTunes. Seriously. I'm listening to Concrete Blonde's "Caroline". So haunting and sad. It makes me want to start up our tape recreation project from a few years back (Mike and I set out to get old tracks from favorite mix tapes by him, by Lauren, by others...and get them on cd. We didn't get as far as I would have liked, but it's still all there). What's going on at our house these days?
The snow continues, and I am sick of it. I'm sick of watching the weather, sick of getting wet up to my knees every time I go outside, sick of being stuck in the house. Today Ev and I ventured out to our first play group in two months, so that was nice. I almost hit a few parked cars on the way there, but lucky steering saved us and we were there and back in one piece. Evan had fun with the kids, but it's going to be an adjustment to get him back into being with other kids. He's all but forgotten what it's like to share toys. It made for an interesting morning at least.
In other news, readers of Mike's site may have read last week that he wanted more time to himself--to record music, to work on web stuff, whatever. Of course, I want these same things, but we've been in a rut and haven't really had time for our own hobbies and things over the past few months. It seems that being a parent sometimes means that you neglect yourself, intentionally or not, in favor of doing things for your child. Who knew?
So Mike and I devised a little system in which we each get two evenings a week to ourselves. If it's your night, you can spend it how you like--tv, reading, hobbies, going out--without being interrupted by spouse or child. The other partner is responsible for playing with Ev, bathing him, and putting him to bed. I think this is going to be great for us--nice for us to have some time to ourselves, and good for Evan to have private time with each parent. If we stick to it, it could benefit all three of us.
Last night was Mike's first night to himself, and he played and recorded music upstairs while Evan and I played games and baked banana muffins. Tonight is my first night to myself, and I'm excited about it. I wonder what I'll decide to do?
January 16, 2004
Preemie blues
Last night was a quiet night in, which is good because the temperature was hovering around zero outside. We, however, felt like we were living in a tropical rain forest. The three of us were holed up in our bedroom, watching tv with the door shut, curtains closed, and the humidifier running.
Evan has had a bad cough the past few days--it's dry and hacking and only shows up at night. Unfortunately, the warm steam didn't help enough, because he and I still spent about half the night downstairs on the couch watching infomercials. I've already grown tired of winter and sickness and snow--can't it be May again?
We also watched ER last night while snug in our bed, and boy did that hit home. The show was titled "NICU" and it focused on two of the med students doing a rotation in that unit. Mike and I approach this kind of show differently--I become emotional, but also enjoy the familiarity of it. I want to see if they feature a story like ours, if they used medical terms I'm now all too aware of, or if they do things differently than we experienced. Mike becomes upset--the mere sound of one of those hospital alarms is enough to start the flood of memory for him and bring back what was the most frightening time in our lives.
It's weird to watch something like that, with Evan next to us in our bed. He's obviously one of the lucky ones, he had a mostly good outcome and we are very blessed. At the same time, we are still dealing with the effects of his prematurity every day, and it's something that will never go away. We'll deal with it now through speech therapy, and later on when he starts school, we'll be watching for signs of learning disability and behavior problems. Being a preemie doesn't stop when you leave the NICU, and shows like the one last night bring us back to how Evan's fight began, and remind us that it is definitely not over.
January 12, 2004
Miffy (sweet little bunny)
Evan's playing on Noggin on Daddy's computer, and the Miffy game has me singing the Miffy song. Damn those kids shows with their catchy little themes!
We're pretty much back to normal life around here. Evan hasn't been the most cooperative about starting therapy again, so that's been a bit of a struggle, but other than that things are the same as they ever were. Evan continues to try speech and signing, but we haven't seen too much improvement over the last week or so. I keep hoping that one of these days things are just going to click--that there will be a magic moment when everything falls into place. I'm holding out hope.
I've been feeling a little down myself--call it seasonal affective disorder, the post-holiday blues, or all the events of the past few months finally catching up with me, but I feel just plain sad. I'm not sure why I'm having so much trouble this time around dealing with losing the baby, but I can't seem to get over it. Mike wants to help me, but I'm not sure what to tell him. He offered to go away for a few days with Evan, and although it sounds tempting I just don't think that's an option. He offered to find me a counselor to talk to, and while I would like to I just don't know how I would fit that into my already busy mommy schedule. "Mommy's got therapy too, honey." I think I just need some time to work through everything, and I really haven't had that yet.
How depressing am I?
On a lighter note, we are excited for Evan's birthday coming up. More news on that later.
January 04, 2004
Ring the bells
Our long holiday break closed this weekend with a trip to Ohio to visit Mike's folks. It's always fun for Ev to play with his grandparents, and always nice and relaxing for us to get some time off from being parents ourselves. Tomorrow Mike starts work again and Ev and I are back to the daily grind and therapy.
While Papa had Evan at the Cleveland Zoo on Saturday, Mike and I spent the day together, tooling around Cleveland and checking out some new places. It was lots of fun--we even finished our birthday shopping for Ev (I like being able to talk about Evan's birthday presents because he can't read yet). We got him a little tape player with a microphone to go along with the flashlight we already got him. The tape player looks like so much fun and his speech therapist thought it would help with his talking if he could hear himself, so hopefully that will work. Aunt Cara got him a microphone for Christmas too, so we're covered all around if we can figure out how to get that one to work!
I am confident that Evan's speech will start to emerge soon. Just the other day we were at my mom's and he said the word "more" while making the sign for more. He does this mostly when he wants more M & M's. And, unlike previous words, he has continued to say this one on a regular basis. So maybe we're making progress. I hope to continue teaching him signs and maybe this will help unlock the door to more words. More.
January 01, 2004
2004
Happy New Year, faithful readers. I know I haven't updated in a few days, but we've been busy and recovering and all that other good stuff. I'm happy to report that after 8 days, Evan is pretty much back to normal. He was really knocked on his butt by this though--I haven't ever seen him so sick, and it took him to long to get over it. He's still got a bit of a lingering cough, but he's playing and happy again so I feel confident in saying that we have survived.
It was a bummer Christmas though, as far as being stuck at home with a sick baby goes. Luckily, we've caught up with most friends and relatives over the last few days. It was nice to relax a bit and spend time with everyone, and of course Evan made out like a bandit. Would you expect any less? He got lots of clothes and lots of cool toys, and he's having a blast playing with all the new stuff. The big hits this year were baby Elmo (he cries and says mama), building blocks, his MagnaDoodle, and basketball hoop (not to mention his great notebook computer, almost exactly like Daddy's!). Very cool stuff, and Evan is spoiled rotten as usual.
Today we were up in Erie, visiting family and fixing computers, and we did stop at Toys R Us so Mike could rid himself of a gift card that was burning a hole in his pocket. While there, we managed to also pick up some birthday gifts for Ev--a cool tricolor flashlight and some Elmo dvd's. Amazing how no matter where we go or what we do, the spoiling continues. I can't believe Ev's birthday is only a few weeks away. I have a party to plan!
For now though, we're going to try to enjoy the last few days of Daddy's vacation. Let's hope we don't catch anything else while we're at it.