Cream of Potato Soup

Our weekend went smoothly (aside from everyone leaving things at our house), and here it is Monday again. I'm getting ready for another week of therapy and school and trying to remember all the people who have March birthdays (Cara, Tammy, Dean, Logan, Jo...) so I can start getting cards and all that crap. Did you know--along with my cleaning compulsion, I also have a thing about greeting cards. I am Hallmark's target market. I am forever sending cards. Oh, my poor husband having to bankroll all my neurotic tendencies.

Yesterday, Mikaele did reiki on me, and she pointed out some things after the session that I should think about. One is that there's something I need to let go of. She told me to figure out what it was and then get rid of it--write it on a paper and burn it in the sink get rid of it. So I've been puzzling for the last day over what it is I've been hanging on to.

Honestly, it could be anything. I hang on to thoughts and feelings so long that they become moldy and cobwebby and disgusting. I worry about the past, and I worry about the future. I worry about people that are long vanished from my life, and what went wrong in our relationship to make them go. I worry about what we'll be doing tomorrow, and next week and next month. I worry about so much that I have no control over. I know it drives Mike crazy.

But how to stop? And how to figure this particular worry out, the one that's blocking everything else? Is it possible to really let go of something (or someone) that you wanted or cared for so much?

Posted by jenny at 09:29 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

I'm giddy with the thought of spring. I've been cleaning like a woman possessed this afternoon...I even moved both couches to vacuum. I can't begin to describe the treasures Evan left me there. It's amazing how much debris one small child can leave in his wake. Though I must confess, Mike and I were probably responsible for a portion of the potato chip crumbs.

Mike's family is coming in this weekend for a get-together and late celebration of Evan's birthday (which, due to party cancellations and postponements, has now been celebrated about six or seven times). The kid is going to think that presents just come his way as a matter of course--Christmas and the never ending birthday have given him gifts to open for three months solid. I've seriously been considering moving Evan's birthday to July, but I don't think that's legal.

So it's another busy weekend for us. But tonight will be quiet before everyone comes in tomorrow--we will be resting and silent, save for the sound of scrubbing on the kitchen floor.

Posted by jenny at 05:12 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)

The colds are mostly gone, save for Evan coughing in the night. In my book, we're healed. Thank God. I'm also thankful that it's coming up on the last weekend in February. I can't take much more of this winter business.

I was thinking last night about the problems we've had in our lives. Things that were so awful when we were younger are things we'd probably love to be dealing with now--not finishing a paper on time, what should I wear to the party, I kissed someone new and now what, my boyfriend dumped me for his old girlfriend. Things that were life or death 10 years ago seem so trivial now.

Today it's things like my son has a neurological disorder, can we afford a bigger house, what do I want to be doing with my life as I near 30, am I really happy with my spouse/significant other/life partner (or conversely, why don't I yet have a spouse/significant other/life partner)? Everything carries so much more weight now. It sometimes makes me very uneasy.

I was talking to my friend last night, and she's very sad right now. Her boyfriend is in the armed forces, and just left for his second "tour of duty" in the Middle East. He won't be back for a few months--and he was there just a couple of months ago as well. She's sad, she's worried, and I don't know what to say to her. I can't begin to imagine what that feels like--asking her if she's okay isn't enough, and saying "he'll be fine, he'll be home soon" feels so weak. I can't help her, and it kills me.

I hurt for her, and for so many people like her that miss their loved ones every day. It really brings it home to see her this way, to realize exactly how it is when someone goes off to war. I think of my father, before I was born, going to Vietnam and what that must have felt like for him and his family. I wish I could do something to help. I want to go to her house, and sit on her couch and watch Ferris Bueller and feed her and just be there for her, but because of my own life I know I can't. But she was there for me during the hardest days of my life, and I want to return the favor. Sometimes it sucks being grown up.

Posted by jenny at 11:17 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

After a quiet weekend at home and some pretty good cold medicine, Evan and I are feeling better. Unfortunately, last night we were both in the "hacking all night" portion of our colds--where sickness is almost over, but we just have to cough and cough all night to finish things up. So Ev and I slept in his room with the humidifier, coughing each other awake every so often.

But we are both doing well this morning, and hopefully that was the last day of feeling so crummy. It should be a pretty quiet week for us. I'm keeping Ev home from speech today (just as a courtesy to his therapist) and we only have preschool one day this week. So Tuesday and Thursday are busy, but the rest of the week we can goof off. Yeah!

Posted by jenny at 09:02 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

After making it through most of the winter (knock wood) without getting sick, Evan and I have head colds this weekend. We think Mike brought it home from work because he had it first--which is a surprise because I assumed all germs would come directly from preschool from now on.

So we are not feeling our best--lots of tissues and juice and all that. Evan was a little out of sorts yesterday, but was mostly back to normal today already. We're not incapacitated with this, just annoyed. I just feel so tired, like I could sleep for weeks. I think I'll try.

Posted by jenny at 09:17 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

Evan survived preschool this morning--true to Mike's prediction, the crying fit only lasted a minute. He's apparently doing very well in school, better each day. He's getting better at following directions and becoming more social. He's blossoming in so many ways.

So what's worse--feeling guilty about leaving your crying child, or realizing he can survive without you? Oh, how things are changing around here.

Posted by jenny at 03:18 PM | Permalink | Comments (3)

It's Ev's third week of preschool, and so far things have been going well. He always looks forward to school days, and his teachers say he's been getting used to the routines without too much trouble. I'm so glad we found a classroom that's such a good fit for him.

This morning, Evan and I set out on our walk to school as usual, but we took a little longer because of the heavy snow that had fallen overnight. We're always a few minutes early, so I walk Ev up to the classroom and get him settled before I return home. Today we were late enough that we arrived just as the bus did, so Ev's teachers were out front and offered to take Evan up themselves. No problem, I thought, and kissed Evan and told him I'd see him in a few hours.

That's when it all blew up in my face. Evan couldn't believe I wasn't walking him upstairs. He began hysterically crying and flailing his arms and legs. One of the teachers had to wrestle him inside the building as I stood helpless on the stairs. I wanted to go to him, to hug him and walk him in like I always do, but I knew that probably wasn't the best thing. I turned around and walked home, feeling guilty all the way.

There was that feeling, finally--that feeling of abandoning my child that I thought I would feel on the first day and never did. It's a relief to have it over with, truthfully. I knew it would hit me sometime and I was just waiting for it. Mike assured me over the phone that Ev was probably fine five minutes after his outburst and would have forgotten all about it by the time I pick him up. I hope that's true, and I hope this is the only day we have like this. I don't think I could take that over and over again.

Posted by jenny at 09:50 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

We're having a quiet Sunday at home, and it seems to be just what we all needed after a busy week and the past few overscheduled weekends. Yesterday, I went with Lisa to Kelly's bridal shower while Mike and Ev had a guys day on the town. They had a good time, as did I, and we were all in good form by the evening.

Since we were all up in Erie, I thought it would be a good time to take Mike and Evan for their tux fittings for Steve and Stacey's wedding. Mike did fine (as expected, he is 28 years old after all), but Ev didn't care for it too much. Once the tux man tried to measure his neck it was all over. There were a lot of tears while Daddy held him and I tried to assist tux man in getting all the measurements.

Once that was done, the real fun began--trying to wrestle Ev into pants, shoes and a coat. He didn't want to put the pants on, or the shoes, and there was much kicking and flailing as I tried to dress him. The coat was a little better--once I convinced him to put it on, Ev liked wearing it. He even strutted around the dressing room a bit, trying it out. He looked so handsome. I'm wondering how it will be once he has to get dressed for the actual wedding. Maybe four months from now he'll be more cooperative, at least that's what I'm hoping.

Aside from the fear of getting him suited up and the fear that he's going to freak out when he has to walk down the aisle, I'm really looking forward to this wedding. Not just because it's my brother and it's going to be tons of fun, but also because I'll get to see my baby in a tuxedo. And my husband too--I haven't seen him in a tux since Eric's wedding. They're both going to look terrific, and I can hardly wait.

Posted by jenny at 12:01 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

So I wake up this morning when Mike's alarm goes off, at a few minutes before 7. I note that Evan never got up and came in our bed last night, which is incredibly rare. I think to myself, "Boy, he must have been tired, falling asleep at 7:30 and staying in his own bed all night." That's where Mommy was wrong.

I crept into his room to check on him, and start to wake him, and what I thought was Evan was in fact just balled up sheets. Where was Evan? I began to panic. I came back to our room to check with Mike, and make sure Ev wasn't sleeping on the other side of the bed or something. Nope, no Babus.

I run downstairs, half expecting to find a ransom note or the front door flung wide with baby footsteps leading away through the snow (wild imagination), but instead I see the soft glow of the TV and Evan curled up on the couch, asleep. We figure that he got up during the night, and instead of coming to our room, he crawled under the safety gate, went downstairs, and tried to turn on the Playstation 2 to play Tony Hawk. (This is something he's fully capable of when awake, it must have been a little harder to manange while sleepwalking.)

So Ev gave up and crashed on the couch. I'm surprised we didn't find a bag of chips and empty juice bottle there next to him.

Posted by jenny at 08:40 AM | Permalink | Comments (1)

I've undertaken a large and ridiculous task. I've decided to re-do Evan's first scrapbook, the one from birth to his first Christmas. I'm doing this for two reasons: one, the original book is falling apart, and two, the old book is 8 x 11 and all of his others are 12 x 12. I need consistency. I am crazy.

I just started to work on some pages tonight, and I am beginning to realize what a long time this is going to take me. But I also realized something else--Evan used to be so small. Sometimes I forget that, but when I was moving his hospital bracelet from one book to the next, I remembered. How that bracelet that fit around his leg now fits only around my thumb. How tiny he used to be, you could hold his entire body in one hand. He's grown so much, changed so much.

It made me long for another baby. I am developing amnesia about all the sleepless nights and spitting up and hospital stays. I want Evan to have a sibling, and I feel like if this doesn't happen soon for us it won't happen. But rational me doesn't want to return to newborn mode once Evan's out of diapers and in school--it just doesn't make sense.

A lot of things about the way I'm feeling just don't make sense.

Posted by jenny at 12:09 AM | Permalink | Comments (1)

Evan has another day of preschool under his belt--he did better at circle time and snack yesterday, but decided to have a meltdown at about 11 o'clock. Apparently he kept signing "all done" and going for the door. Enough school for him! At least he's off until Tuesday.

I'm glad it's February--short month, Valentine's Day, the promise of spring just around the corner. It hasn't been a terrible winter, but I'm ready for it to be over. I'm not the type to wish my life away, but I just feel so down in the winter. I'm ready for warmth and for sun. I think Evan is too--we were able to take a little walk yesterday and it reminded me how much we like being outside. Only a six more weeks, according to our old pal Phil...

Posted by jenny at 10:55 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

Fifteen more years to go.

Evan did a great job at preschool today. He was a little annoyed at having to get up and go so early in the morning, but he did his very best once he got going. There were no tears or tantrums (on my part or Evan's) when Mike and I dropped him off--he just went right in and started playing. And when I went to pick him up, the kids were running around in the gym and playing ball. Ev didn't rush right over to me, he just waved and kept on going.

And I was worried he wouldn't adjust.

Evan did have a little trouble sitting down to do his job box (this week: lacing beads) but one of the aides sat with him and helped him out. He also did not eat his snack (gingerbread cupcakes) but that didn't shock me much either. So he needs to work on learning the preschool routine, but other than that the day was a huge success.

Evan survived, and Mommy did too. Back again tomorrow.

Posted by jenny at 01:27 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)