Cream of Potato Soup

This past Wednesday we lost my last living grandparent, my father's mother Mary. She was just a month shy of her 100th birthday. For as old as she was, her death still came as a shock to us all. I guess it's like waiting for the other shoe to drop--at her age, we all knew it was coming eventually, but that didn't make it any less difficult. In fact, we anticipated her passing for so long that it almost doesn't seem real to me now, even after spending the last few days going through the mourning rituals.

The last few days have been exhausting. We spent all day yesterday at the funeral home, and her burial was early this morning. We were very lucky to have my mom help out with the boys--she took them to her house for the bulk of the day yesterday and that made things much easier for us. And Stacey and Tammy were kind enough to help with them at today's services, so we got through it okay. Evan wasn't bad for any of it, he just is very talkative and wants to participate at inappropriate moments (I really had to bite my lip listening to him "recite" the Our Father). He even took it upon himself to tell everyone where to sit at the funeral service. Grady, he just wanted to be held, and I'm glad more than a few people were willing to do that too.

So now we're home, and I was lucky enough to get a little nap this afternoon before Mike left to go work at the homecoming game. I wished I could have stayed in Erie all day, to be with my brothers and my father, but I knew it would be better to get the boys home and settled in after two days of craziness. That's something that's hard for me sometimes--still having to let go of my family of parents and brothers to take care of my family of husband and sons.

And now Grandma is gone. She lived a long and beautiful life, and gave us many wonderful memories. I'm glad both of my boys got to meet her, even if they won't remember. She was truly the center of our family, and she will truly be missed for many years to come.

Posted by jenny at 6:05 PM | Permalink | Comments (5)

I'm home.

By all accounts, the weekend was a success. Beth and I enjoyed our drive, the wedding was lovely, and it was great to catch up with old friends. Cara was a stunning bride, and her husband (!) was very nice--they do make a great couple. I only really cried once, when Cara was dancing with her dad, so I was pretty proud of myself. I did laugh until I was near tears a few other times, which balanced out the crying quite nicely. But it was a lot of fun, and now it's done--Cara's married, and I'd be a happy girl if I never look at my breast pump ever again.

Unfortunately, Ev was sick the entire time I was gone, which made me even more anxious than usual. He's still not himself today--he's stuffy and a little feverish, and he wet the bed twice last night and woke me a few additional times just for good measure. That's how I knew I was really back home. Grady's right back into the swing of things as well. After staring at me blankly for a few minutes, he got right back to the boob. I have to admit, it was odd not being barfed on for two whole days.

It was weird--all my old cronies at the wedding were either married with no kids or still single, which is a totally different ballgame than what I've got going on. Not a bad thing, it just made me feel very un-hip (which I remember mentioning to Beth and Cara's brother Chris at one point). I tried to avoid talking about the boys because I can go on and on, and I didn't want to annoy or frighten anyone. I have a habit of doing that which I'm trying desperately to break. I'm sure I made an ass of myself in other ways, but these are people who have known me since I was ten so they knew what to expect.

The unexpected benefit of the weekend away is that Mike knows what I do every day now. I don't think he had a really clear picture of what things are like with the two boys at home. Now he knows first hand that Grady is a terrible napper, and the joy of cleaning up a diaper blowout. He found out how hard it is to operate on hardly any sleep, and he didn't even get the joy of trying to entertain Ev because Ev was sleeping half the time. A better understanding has been gained of why the laundry hasn't been put away or why there are toys all over the floor. I'm happy about this--Mommy enjoys being appreciated.

And now it's back to the laundry (that from our travels, and that which has been peed upon), back to the dishes, back to the feeding and wiping and playing and snuggling. It's nice to be home.

Posted by jenny at 8:29 AM | Permalink | Comments (2)

Tomorrow morning, I'm leaving for North Carolina and Cara's wedding. I keep pushing back my departure time later and later because I'm avoiding leaving the boys. At the beginning of the week, ambitious me was talking about leaving at 6 am, and by today worn out me is talking about sometime between 8 and 8:30. There are a few reasons for this though.

One is that Grady is going through a growth spurt. What an awful time to leave, as he's obviously trying to increase my milk supply! He's been nursing non-stop for the last two days and sleeping a lot but also restless. I don't want to sabotage his efforts, so he and I will be together until I'm walking out the door.

On top of that, Evan is getting sick. I developed a sort of cold on Monday--by today it's mostly gone, just a little lingering runny nose. Mike started with a sore throat last night, and I'm not sure how he's feeling today. And Ev was a little more tired than usual last night, and he came home from school just now with a note. The teacher reports that he was "not himself" today--Ev was sad and quiet and said that "it's a hard day". Doesn't that just make you want to cry?

So nobody is feeling quite right at our house, and I'm supposed to leave? As if I didn't feel awful enough about it. My poor boys, all three of them. This is going to be a rough weekend for everyone.

Posted by jenny at 11:45 AM | Permalink | Comments (2)

Last night Evan and I went on an "adventure walk" at dusk. I grabbed a little flashlight for him and we took off around the neighborhood. It was fun to walk after dark for a change--there's a little bit of excitement in that, and a feeling that maybe you shouldn't be out so late (even if it was before 7). Ev had a great time, telling me all about the trees and bushes and cars and houses, shining his light all over the place. I had a great time too--it's rare for me to get time alone with Ev anymore, especially time when I'm not barking orders at him or getting frustrated because he's not moving fast enough. Last night we took our time, and it was wonderful to just enjoy being out together after dark.

I feel like those moments have been few and far between over the past six months or so, especially between me and Ev. I'm either rushing through playing with him so I can tend to a screaming Grady, or I'm rushing G through a nursing session so I can get Ev to therapy on time. I don't feel like I'm giving either of them all the attention that they need (though I'm sure it's enough, there's still plenty of room for me to feel guilty). Evan is getting sick of being asked to wait a few minutes for something because I'm feeding G, and I know I'm sick of myself for using the tv as a babysitter so I can get a shower or a few minutes of quiet. Everyone's getting fed and all the butts are getting wiped, but that's about all I can accomplish it seems.

I guess I'm handling things, but not handling things well. Or I'm somewhere in between. I do know that my house is regularly a wreck, I rarely cook dinner, and I have this awful weight of guilt about everything that I'm not doing right. But I also know that the boys are okay, and they are growing and thriving, and I guess that's what I should be most concerned about right now. But I keep wondering if this is the best I can hope for--getting by with the perpetual feeling of falling behind. Every day I wake with good intentions, but I haven't slept decently since May and someone always seems to need something more than I have and soon the day is over with those good intentions still hanging heavy in the air over my bed. Which I did manage to change the sheets on yesterday, thank you very much.

I guess I'm getting there, but slowly. Much more slowly than I had planned.

Posted by jenny at 8:52 AM | Permalink | Comments (1)

I would be remiss if I didn't mention one of the great things that happened this week. My brother Jerry learned that he passed the Pennsylvania Bar Exam. I know this is a huge weight off of his mind, after all the hard work he did to prepare this summer. Now I can begin pressuring him to find a job in Pittsburgh. I've been gently hinting, but that doesn't seem to work, so I'm just going to have to be blunt about it. I would try to get him back to Erie, but I think that might be pushing it.

In the last day or so I've finally realized that I'm going away next weekend. I know I talked about it here before, but aside from the milk thing I haven't done much planning. Now I need to kick it into gear--it's time for me to make lists and concrete plans and actually find a dress to wear for crying out loud. Nothing like waiting until the last minute. And though we'll be going to North Carolina and (presumably) warmer weather, I should still get something with long sleeves as the reception is outdoors. Maybe if I find something very good, I can wear it again to Jerry and Tammy's wedding in the spring.

It's only in the last few days that I've noticed how much Grady is in love with Evan. He'll just sit and stare at Ev all day long if you let him. G wants to see what he is doing at all times. And pretty much everything Evan does is very exciting. Of course, Evan wants nothing to do with all this adoration. He's moved to a new place where yeah, Grady is fine, but there are a lot more interesting things to do around here. If he thinks Grady is staring at him too much, or if Grady touches Evan when he doesn't want to be touched, look out. There's no room for all this love and affection right now.

And it's a bad time for unrequited love, as we're all stuck in the house together. The weather has gotten very cold very fast (though no snow yet, thankfully) and today we're just hanging out in our fleece pj's with the curtains closed. It's laundry day, and cleaning day, and snuggle under blankets on the couch day. Maybe we'll just skip the first two and go for the third.

Posted by jenny at 8:50 AM | Permalink

Grady's 4 month check up was this morning. My kid, he's strong and healthy. Good head control, good reflexes, lungs and heart and eyes and ears all okay. Oh yeah, and he's got thunder thighs. He now weighs 16 pounds, 6 ounces, and is just shy of 25 inches long. Pretty good, huh? He's in the 75th percentile for weight, 50th for height and head. The doctor said he's growing very well and to keep exclusively breastfeeding--we'll talk about introducing solids after his next appointment in December. That was pretty much my plan anyway, so I'm glad the doctor is supportive of that. G also got his usual shots in the meat, so that's going to make the rest of today a real thrill.

At four months, Grady is a joy. It's fun to play with him, to make him smile and coo and giggle. He loves to sit up with help, and he likes to play with his hands and his holey blanket and his Whoozit. He can roll from front to back by himself, but he's still working on back to front. Grady will "carpet swim" whether he's on his back or his belly, and his favorite thing of all is to kick his feet in the bathtub. He's still not sleeping through the night, but neither am I so it's not a big deal.

Speaking of sleep, G stirs from his little nap, so I must fly.

Posted by jenny at 11:07 AM | Permalink

Today is warm and sunny. Evan just got home from preschool where they reportedly took a long walk around downtown. I'm sure a walk or just some yard time will be part of our afternoon as well--it's just too nice outside not to take advantage. Besides, our friendly neighborhood weatherman is reporting the possibility of snow for next weekend. I called my dad and he said, "Don't tell me that." Yeah. But it's October, and we all know October snow never lasts for long.

We spent this past weekend visiting Mike's parents, which is always fun but very tiring. Mostly because Evan and his Papa run themselves into the ground when they are together--the days are filled with walks and ice cream cones and playgrounds and playing ball and running through the house. Evan was tough to get out of bed this morning, and I'm hoping we can get an early bedtime tonight. We weren't really able to do that last night as both boys slept most of the way home from Cleveland, so they were raring to go by the time we got home just before 8.

Tomorrow I will have an exciting update, as I'll be taking Grady for his four month check up. I can hardly wait to see how much he's grown. Unfortunately, I'm sure some shots will be thrown in there for good measure. I'll share the thrilling numbers tomorrow.

Posted by jenny at 11:53 AM | Permalink

When I flipped the calendar to October, I looked at the page, blinked twice, and looked again. There it was, right in the middle, in bright purple ink. "Cara and Kevin's Wedding". When I saw it there, my heart skipped a beat and I felt some pressure in my chest. Cara's getting married this month.

For anyone who doesn't know, Cara has been one of my best friends for the last 20 years or so--when both of our families moved to Mill Street. She's been living in North Carolina for five years now, and for the last two she's been dating a man who is in the Air Force (and whom I've never met). And they are getting married in 18 days. In North Carolina. And I'm going.

The chest pressure is not really caused by Cara's impending nuptials. Yes, it will be something to see her in her wedding gown, saying her vows, and I'm sure I'll cry and carry on just the way I have every time one of my friends gets married. I'm so happy for her, and excited, and I just know she's going to be a gorgeous bride. But in going to her wedding, I'm also leaving my babies at home with their daddy. And that has me sick to my stomach already.

Not that Mike can't handle it--I know Mike can handle it. Especially Evan, as he and Mike are super buddies and have fun adventures together all the time. It's Grady I'm concerned about. He's just such a baby still. When I discussed this trip months ago, before he was born, I would say, "But he'll be four months old by then so it will be fine." It is not fine. Four months is still so small, so much of a baby. He has only ever had breast milk, he sleeps with me, he snuggles with me, he needs me so much. And I like it that way.

I've been pumping milk for a month already in preparation for the weekend, and I will pump until the day I leave and while I'm gone. So that part is taken care of. And I know Mike will have help from somewhere, either his folks or one of my parents or maybe all of the above. Intellectually, I know G will be okay. But emotionally? I'm so not there yet.

The weirdest thing is I am looking forward to the trip also. I'll be driving down with another of my best friends (and maybe my mom too), I'll get to sleep alone in a bed for two nights in a row, I'll get to go shopping or eat at a restaurant without interruption, I'll get to just be a girl for a few days. And it's going to be a nice break for me, and a lot of fun.

So as that weekend gets closer, I grow more anxious and more excited. I hope I'll be able to control my worry and actually enjoy myself a little. Or I'll drive myself into the ground with my nervous pacing. Anything is possible.

Posted by jenny at 12:23 PM | Permalink | Comments (3)

Updates have been sporadic this week as a small person in this house is going through a growth spurt. And I hate typing with one hand. If only the computer could read my thoughts....

Mike has a good post up about our Sunday adventures. Once in a while it's nice not to have plans. I was looking at the calendar a few days ago and realized that our weekends are booked in one way or another until Thanksgiving. Not every weekend is booked solid of course--sometimes it's just a Saturday dedicated to Allegheny football (Mike's doing scoreboard animations for the home games this year). But in some form or another, life is going to be busy right through the end of the year.

Oh God, the furnace just kicked on. Ugh.

Saturday found us at my cousin's 50th birthday party. We always enjoy going out to his house--he lives on a nice bit of land almost to the New York state line. Ev loves running around out there, and he also loves the bonfires that usually end the night. This time was a little different--it was cool and rainy, and my cousin's band was playing in the brand new barn on the property. The music was a little loud for little ears, so we retreated to the house for quieter conversation and for Ev to learn the basics of gambling (for some reason, there was a working slot machine in the family room that ran on tokens). We all had a good time, just not in the way we had expected to.

Today Ev's back at school, though I had to practically bomb him out of bed this morning. And he dressed himself--a yellow and gray shirt, blue pants and green socks. I can't tell you how hard it has been for me to give up control of his outfits. I have always liked dressing him just so, but now that he's dressing himself I don't have much say in the matter. The most I can do is make sure he has a pair of clean underpants on and that I wash his "big brother" shirt any time I'm able to get it off of him.

Grady's on the floor beside me right now, gurgling and gnawing on his fingers. He's gotten very good at putting things in his mouth lately, so that's something we have to watch. His hair is still falling out at a good clip too, but there's more growing in underneath. I think it's going to be dark, though not as dark as when he was first born. And we brought out the doorway jumper for the first time this weekend. G was not quite sure what to do, though he enjoys the sensation of "standing up". He mostly just chewed on the tray and threw up down into the seat a few times. Fun stuff.

So that's life with the two boys lately. Never a dull moment. I'm sure this week will bring more of the same.

Posted by jenny at 9:06 AM | Permalink | Comments (2)