That old uneasy feeling

When I flipped the calendar to October, I looked at the page, blinked twice, and looked again. There it was, right in the middle, in bright purple ink. "Cara and Kevin's Wedding". When I saw it there, my heart skipped a beat and I felt some pressure in my chest. Cara's getting married this month.

For anyone who doesn't know, Cara has been one of my best friends for the last 20 years or so--when both of our families moved to Mill Street. She's been living in North Carolina for five years now, and for the last two she's been dating a man who is in the Air Force (and whom I've never met). And they are getting married in 18 days. In North Carolina. And I'm going.

The chest pressure is not really caused by Cara's impending nuptials. Yes, it will be something to see her in her wedding gown, saying her vows, and I'm sure I'll cry and carry on just the way I have every time one of my friends gets married. I'm so happy for her, and excited, and I just know she's going to be a gorgeous bride. But in going to her wedding, I'm also leaving my babies at home with their daddy. And that has me sick to my stomach already.

Not that Mike can't handle it--I know Mike can handle it. Especially Evan, as he and Mike are super buddies and have fun adventures together all the time. It's Grady I'm concerned about. He's just such a baby still. When I discussed this trip months ago, before he was born, I would say, "But he'll be four months old by then so it will be fine." It is not fine. Four months is still so small, so much of a baby. He has only ever had breast milk, he sleeps with me, he snuggles with me, he needs me so much. And I like it that way.

I've been pumping milk for a month already in preparation for the weekend, and I will pump until the day I leave and while I'm gone. So that part is taken care of. And I know Mike will have help from somewhere, either his folks or one of my parents or maybe all of the above. Intellectually, I know G will be okay. But emotionally? I'm so not there yet.

The weirdest thing is I am looking forward to the trip also. I'll be driving down with another of my best friends (and maybe my mom too), I'll get to sleep alone in a bed for two nights in a row, I'll get to go shopping or eat at a restaurant without interruption, I'll get to just be a girl for a few days. And it's going to be a nice break for me, and a lot of fun.

So as that weekend gets closer, I grow more anxious and more excited. I hope I'll be able to control my worry and actually enjoy myself a little. Or I'll drive myself into the ground with my nervous pacing. Anything is possible.