Up a road slowly

Last night Evan and I went on an "adventure walk" at dusk. I grabbed a little flashlight for him and we took off around the neighborhood. It was fun to walk after dark for a change--there's a little bit of excitement in that, and a feeling that maybe you shouldn't be out so late (even if it was before 7). Ev had a great time, telling me all about the trees and bushes and cars and houses, shining his light all over the place. I had a great time too--it's rare for me to get time alone with Ev anymore, especially time when I'm not barking orders at him or getting frustrated because he's not moving fast enough. Last night we took our time, and it was wonderful to just enjoy being out together after dark.

I feel like those moments have been few and far between over the past six months or so, especially between me and Ev. I'm either rushing through playing with him so I can tend to a screaming Grady, or I'm rushing G through a nursing session so I can get Ev to therapy on time. I don't feel like I'm giving either of them all the attention that they need (though I'm sure it's enough, there's still plenty of room for me to feel guilty). Evan is getting sick of being asked to wait a few minutes for something because I'm feeding G, and I know I'm sick of myself for using the tv as a babysitter so I can get a shower or a few minutes of quiet. Everyone's getting fed and all the butts are getting wiped, but that's about all I can accomplish it seems.

I guess I'm handling things, but not handling things well. Or I'm somewhere in between. I do know that my house is regularly a wreck, I rarely cook dinner, and I have this awful weight of guilt about everything that I'm not doing right. But I also know that the boys are okay, and they are growing and thriving, and I guess that's what I should be most concerned about right now. But I keep wondering if this is the best I can hope for--getting by with the perpetual feeling of falling behind. Every day I wake with good intentions, but I haven't slept decently since May and someone always seems to need something more than I have and soon the day is over with those good intentions still hanging heavy in the air over my bed. Which I did manage to change the sheets on yesterday, thank you very much.

I guess I'm getting there, but slowly. Much more slowly than I had planned.